Mother’s Day point of view from a barrenness
This was the first Mother’s Day where I wasn’t in denial.
Denial that I want a family.
Denial that I want kids.
Denial that I want to be a MOM.
Growing up I never knew what I wanted to do for a living. Nothing sparked my interest. The only thing I knew is I wanted to be a mom. I wanted to raise a mini me. I wanted to raise kids and see what meld of all my ancestors dominated in each precious creation.
Once I found out I was infertile, I told myself that’s okay. I didn’t want kids right now anyways. Plus, with IVF and other fertility treatments I’d be fine. Then, I started lying to myself as a coping mechanism.
I told myself kids annoy me.
I told myself I’m too selfish to have kids.
I told myself I couldn’t handle the responsibility.
I told myself I didn’t want kids.
Just this year I finally admitted to myself that I want kids.
My heart broke.
I feel like it’s been shattered into a thousand pieces. I struggled with the idea that all I’ve wanted is to be a mom. Have kids. It seems like a sick fucking joke that that’s all I wanted and yet that’s one thing not in the cards for me now.
I found myself questioning God.
Why the hell would he do this to me?!
What the fuck.
What does he want from me?!
This left me heartbroken, lost, and confused. Then I found out IVF isn’t even a possibility for me. That’s how fucking infertile I am!
Great. Just great. (Insert more heartbreak, upset, frustration, and sadness.)
I started breaking down daily. In public even. I couldn’t control myself. It got so bad my eyelids swelled shut and I got a rash around my eyes from all the crying.
Then my vanity kicked in…
I was like “Lorelei get ya ass together. You can’t walk around with swollen eyelids. You look like a damn fool. Besides, you have so much to be grateful for.”
I also opened up to my mom. Just talking about it out loud made me feel so much better. The next day, for the first time in over a month, I didn’t cry.
Talking to my mom I realized how grateful I am to just be alive and live the life I live. Even though I practice gratitude daily, just hearing it from someone else really made things click.
I also realized how I stopped putting my faith in God. I had become so consumed by the present. All the testing that came back with bad results, the disappointing conversations with my doctor, the side effects of my health conditions (infertility), that I spiraled into a deep chasm of depression.
After this epiphany I put my faith back in God. I have my own ideas of how I want my life to pan out but I know God has other plans. When I put my faith in him, that’s when I can start doing God’s work. My life becomes fulfilling in ways I never thought possible and I am happier, and a better person for it.
I’m not giving up. I still have some time and a stubborn ass attitude on my side.
When you look up symptoms of people with, Lyme, EBV, chronic fatigue, hypopituitarism, just ONE of these causes fatigue, weight gain, infertility, leg weakness and basically a loss of quality of life. I had ALL these symptoms and have managed to not just overcome these symptoms (with the exception of infertility) but thrive!
If I had listened to doctors, and what other health experts say, and just accepted my ‘fate’ then I would still be bed ridden like I was three years ago. But, I’m a fighter, a disruptor, and like proving people wrong.
Infertility is one of the last major symptoms I haven’t gotten a handle on. However, I have been defying odds since my health declined nearly 8 years ago and will continue to do so. This is a tribute to how powerful food is. This is my main weapon to combat my health issues. And this is how I help others combat their health issues.
Mothers days was a little rough. It did make me wonder if I would ever get to personally celebrate it. However, even though I have never birthed a child. I know that I have played the ‘mom’ role in my life and will continue to do so. But, Mother’s Day isn’t about me. It’s about all the strong amazing women out there who have/are kick’ in ass whilst raising kids. Mother’s day is a celebration of strong women. Ultimately, I felt grateful and honored to know so many amazing women that get to be celebrated on Mother’s day.